There was a time. When I was a child, I had a very elementary concept explained to me by my mother and father: parents are responsible for their child’s behavior…and thusly, a child’s behavior reflects on the parents. This was not a complicated idea, and even at a young age I understood it well. As I grew older, I more fully understood the social, scientific, and legal necessity for this standard:
SOCIAL: Children are, well, CHILDREN. They possess neither the wisdom nor the maturity to consistently make good decisions. Yes, this is true of even the very intelligent or the ones who are “mature beyond their years.” Yes, even YOUR precious little snowflake. They are very vulnerable to peer pressure, egocentric in their thinking, and highly susceptible to things they observe in the media. In a recent study by Junior Achievement, “One in four teenagers think violence is acceptable, one in three say they have to break rules to be successful in school, and two-thirds say they aren’t accountable to society.” As developing human beings, they require considerable guidance and a safe, structured environment in which to learn how to live, interact, and make good decisions. Their beliefs tend to be overly black and white, they have little knowledge of their own limitations, their inclination towards rebellion is very strong, and they often fail to consider the consequences of their actions. For their safety, and THE SAFETY OF OTHERS…for their welfare…for their development…their parents must be attentive and accountable.
SCIENTIFIC: While all adolescent behavior cannot (and should not) be “explained away” by biological factors, it is a proven medical fact that their brains are not fully developed. From early on, the child’s brain develops white matter from front to back…with a burst of activity in the temporal and parietal lobes between the ages of 6 and 13. These areas, focusing on language and spatial relationships, slowly become connected…perhaps accounting for much of the “awkwardness” of the age. Gray matter proceeds in the opposite direction meaning that the frontal lobe, which handles COGNITIVE and “EXECUTIVE” functions is not fully developed until very late in the maturation process. More on the part the frontal lobe plays in adolescent decision-making: “The frontal lobe has been found to play a part in impulse control, judgment, language, memory, motor function, problem solving, sexual behavior, socialization and spontaneity. Frontal lobes assist in planning, coordinating, controlling, and executing behavior.” Use or abuse of alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs during this developmental period can have MARKED impact on the child’s brain development and function. Therefore, a parent’s overconfidence in their child’s reasoning and decision-making ability is not simply “anecdotally unwise,” but rather shows a lack of understanding that their child is not yet a “fully-developed thinker.”
LEGAL: The American legal system acknowledges that children are not fully competent decision-makers to a large degree. Certain rights/privileges are not extended until children reach a particular age (ie. 16 for driving, 18 for voting, 21 for drinking). Juvenile offenders are most often sent to specific facilities geared towards adolescents, their records are usually sealed and expunged upon reaching majority, and most juvenile sentences expire on the offender’s eighteenth birthday. Also, a juvenile cannot enter into a binding contract. If needed, a child may be appointed a guardian to see their well-being, or a guardian ad litem to represent them in legal matters, or a conservator to manage their finances/property.
So what happened? Over the years since my own childhood, it has been obvious that parents have been held less and less accountable for their children’s behavior or welfare. At some point, it even became “unfair” to blame a parent for the actions of the child. A few examples:
- Columbine, 1999. Two teens enter their high school and kill 12 students and a teacher, and wound 23 others. Both teens had a history of very troublesome behavior. One of the teens was taking Zoloft for suicidal and homicidal thoughts and behaviors. The teens had a website where they voiced hateful and murderous thoughts and plans. They kept numerous guns, 99 improvised explosive devices, and nearly 800 rounds of ammunition in their homes. Yet…the parents either knew of none of this…or knew of it and did nothing. People blamed movies, video games, gun laws, the school, the sheriff’s office…no charges were ever pressed against any of the parents.
- On a related note, anyone following the news will routinely encounter stories where one has to ask, “How did the parent’s not know the child had [INSERT ILLEGAL ITEM] in the house?” Most often, the response given by the parent is that they, “respected their child’s privacy.” Really? Your child, living under your roof, is entitled to so much privacy that all thoughts to their safety are just abandoned? My mother knew who my friends were…knew their parents and wasn’t afraid to call them…knew what was in my bedroom at home (through active, yet subtle, snooping)…knew what I was doing on the computer (not by snooping, just by showing interest: “hey, what game is that you’re playing?”)…knew what was going on at school and which activities I was participating in (again, by showing interest, not through hounding my teachers). And believe it or not, even though I periodically complained…I UNDERSTOOD WHY SHE DID IT. Also, I knew that I was her CHILD and that I was living in MY PARENTS’ HOUSE. If your child has weapons, drugs, or any other illegal/scary thing in YOUR house and you don’t know about it…then you are not fulfilling YOUR responsibility to them or to the rest of us.
- Things I noticed while teaching: There were parents who did drugs WITH their children. There were parents who let their children work jobs until 2 in the morning on school nights. Parents who would not come in for scheduled teacher conferences. Parents who excused their children’s behavior with “the divorce has been hard on him,” or “I work in the evening and never see him,” or “it’s your job to teach him the rules,” or “what do you expect ME to do about it?” I saw administrators and teachers excuse the children’s behavior by referring to elements of race, gender, culture, the media, the child’s friends…but rarely the parents. I heard parent’s scream “unfair!” when a judge handed them a big fine because their child had missed the entire first half of the school year. I heard principals receiving phone calls from suspended students’ parents, angry WITH THE PRINCIPALS because THEY THE PARENTS now have to take care of the child when “it’s the school’s job to keep them there during the day.” I saw parents verbally and physically attack teachers for handing down administrative discipline on their misbehaving child.
- The University of Nevada Chancellor, fed up with poorly prepared and poorly parented students being dumped on his campus doorstep, recently stated : “Your only relationship with the education system is to ship your unprepared kids to school, not with the expectation of success, but with the demand that an education system, inadequately funded, develop and/or repair children that you as a parent did not prepare for school or support while your children attended school.” While tactless…he’s right. So, you know how the governor and other state officials responded? They replied, “Jim Rogers owes every caring parent in the state a public apology. For Chancellor Rogers to blame the failure of the government-run education system on parents is nothing short of outrageous.”
- You’ve all read the story. She has six kids through “alternative conception“…lives with her parents…is bankrupt…went through IVF again to have MORE kids that she can’t pay for…when doctors notified her that there were A LOT MORE embryos than expected, she opted to keep all of them…and now she has a grand total of fourteen kids. Her mother has the nerve to say it’s “because she was an only child,” and “She always wanted a lot of kids. I have been supportive but you know now that I am thinking back, she wanted children so much that it was almost not normal as far as I am concerned.” Wow…”almost not normal.” You think so? Guess what…her dad is going back to Iraq to make some more money to provide for his wife, his daughter, and his daughter’s fourteen kids. We’ll call it the “Teaching Responsibility Through Complete and Uninterrupted Enabling” behavior modification approach. Of course…the media tells us it’s not the parents’ fault. It’s not even their daughter’s fault. It’s the doctors’ fault, of course…or maybe we need some new laws. In my field, I see a lot of this: people who have more children than they can afford or care for. What many fail to realize is this doesn’t just mean the children may not receive adequate nourishment, clothing, or medical care…it also means they will likely not receive enough attention, guidance, and affection…and their “role-model for responsible behavior” isn’t setting much of an example.
So over this period, as “blaming the parents” has been increasingly deemed unfair…how has society adjusted to cover its needs (stated above)? Oh, we start treating juvenile defenders as adults…we pass some legislation giving children more “rights“…we allow children to emancipate from their parents earlier and for a wider variety of reasons…we identify a new disorder to explain the behavior and prescribe some medication. And any time a child commits some new, previously unfathomable, atrocity…we look to create some new laws (regarding gun sales, medical professionals, teachers, et cetera…but NOT parents) to protect society from our own children; We identify all childish behavior as “warning signs” while simultaneously dismissing the same behavior as “typical.” In other words, since nobody will take responsibility for their children…we’ll just REDEFINE WHEN ADULTHOOD STARTS and until adulthood starts we’ll live in fear of children and refer as many as possible for either medication or counseling. Brilliant…why don’t we just declare that at 5 years old a child becomes an adult and from that point on…they’re on their own! There’ll be no more need to deal with “juvenile crime” or diagnosing “juvenile disorders” and no more searching for other people to blame in place of the parents.
Or…
…some people have another idea. “Parental Responsibility Laws” – coming soon to a state near you. And, it’s about time. If our communities and media will no longer hold parents responsible as they used to…maybe some laws with the right emphasis on who is REALLY responsible for children’s’ behavior can let kids be kids again, while simultaneously forcing parents to once again be parents.