On most Fridays, I choose to publish our “Chaos Theory” edition of the RLF Blog…where I compile all the leftover stories from the previous week. But in honor of the historic “Beer Summit” which took place at the White House yesterday afternoon, I thought we’d have a little fun.
BACKGROUND: For those who have been paying attention to more weighty news topics (or who haven’t been paying attention at all), here is a quick timeline of events: Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. (who happens to be black) is locked out of his house…he and his driver break into his home…a concerned neighbor, fearing a burglary might be taking place, calls 911…police arrive and Sergeant James Crowley (who happens to be white) radios that the “intruder” claims to be the owner of the home and is being a bit “uncooperative“…Crowley verifies Gates’ ID and that he does indeed own the home…Crowley arrests Gates for disorderly conduct and claims in his report that he performed the arrest because Gates was “yelling” at him…Gates accuses the Cambridge police and Crowley of “racial profiling“…the Cambridge police drop all charges against Gates…President Obama (who it just so happens, like Gates, is black) says on television that he’s unsure if race was an issue, but that he thinks the police behaved “stupidly“…conservative pundits fill the airwaves with accusations that Obama hates police and white people…Obama offers for all the men to sit down at the White House and talk over a beer…the “Beer Summit” is held at a table on the White House lawn.
While watching this news item unfold, a comment about which beers each man had selected left me strangely intrigued…so just for laughs, I present my very own tongue-in-cheek psychoanalysis regarding what each attendees choice of beverage…says about the man:
PRESIDENT OBAMA:
Choice of Beer: Bud Light
A safe choice…so all-American, even its label is red, white, and blue. Based in St. Louis, this American-style lager (I believe Europeans call it “flavorless piss-water”), Bud Light is one of the most popular beers in the United States which, again makes it a fairly safe political choice…especially for those who are trying to avoid looking “elitist.” It has 5.0% alcohol by volume (which is another cause for its derision from our European friends). It’s not the most exciting beer…hell, it’s not even the most exciting Budweiser beer. Many who drink the beer may believe it gives them the appearance of being “hard-working, blue-collar Americans“…when really it simply begs the question: have you tried any other beers? Flavorless, bland, unlikely to show you a good time…these might describe both beer and drinker.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN:
Choice of Beer: Buckler Non-Alcoholic Beer
Buckler is brewed by Heineken as a “low-alcohol” drink (0.5% abv) that they call a “pale lager.“ NEWS FLASH: they’re right…it’s very pale…but does not deserve to be termed a “lager.” According to reports, Joe Biden has never had a single drink, which is really the only way to explain someone asking for Buckler. While, I admire his dedication to sobriety (I mean, I guess I do…), his choice of an non-alcoholic beer can only mean one thing: he’s a follower, highly susceptible to peer pressure. Seriously: they’re holding a “Beer Summit“…and you don’t drink…so you bring some vile non-alcoholic crap/beer? It would be more admirable if he had just had a cup of coffee, an iced tea, or whatever drink he would prefer to have…because there’s nobody who would prefer to have a Bucklers. Really…NOBODY. I won’t comment on flavor, bouquet, and finish…if your drinking this “beer,” you don’t care about any of these things.
PROFESSOR GATES:
Choice of Beer: Sam Adams Light
Sam Adams Light is a lager (4.9% abv) brewed by the Boston Beer Company, who named it after the famous patriot, Sam Adams, who was rumored to be a brewer. Adams is ALSO rumored to be spinning in his grave and muttering obscenities about these “beers” that he had absolutely nothing to with, and that he should not be blamed for. The Boston Beer Company utilizes what, in the beer industry, is termed a “sh-t ton” of hops, which makes their beer so mercilessly bitter that its drinkers wear the fact that they can stomach it like a badge of honor, like completing Navy Seal training, or surviving a snake bite. In addition, they put out a new, ridiculous flavor every ten minutes…ah, I see they just released “Sam Adams Bubblegum Pilsner.” Yummy. What does this say about Gates? He doesn’t drink beer…but he does watch a lot of TV. I’m sure he’s seen the Sam Adams advertisements that run during commercial breaks on every show, on every network. Perhaps he mistakenly assumed that the beer must be very popular and satisfying, since it is on TV so often…so when asked, he thought, “I’ll have one of those.“ You’re a professor, dammit…next time do the research.
SERGEANT CROWLEY:
Choice of Beer: Blue Moon, served with an orange slice
Blue Moon is a Belgian-Style witbier (“wheat beer” to us yanks) brewed by the Molson Coors Brewing Company in Toronto, Ontario. It’s an amber beer which appears cloudy (because it is unfiltered) and it has a slightly higher amount of alcohol by volume (5.4%). It is flavored with coriander and orange peel, it is most often served with a slice of orange. For an American beer pretending to be a European beer…it’s actually not half bad. The selection shows Crowley knew what he was doing…when asked, he chose a slightly more expense, vastly more flavorful, beer…with slightly more alcohol in it. He wasn’t afraid to ask for it, and wasn’t afraid to be seen drinking a beer that has a somewhat fru-fru orange slice hanging off of it. Way to go, tough guy.
If it were me…here’s what I would have recommended to the four men:
OBAMA: Try Alpha King Pale Ale. It’s American, has “alpha” and “king” in the name, has a fantastic flavor…and 6% abv. You look like one seriously regal, big dog, beer drinker just holding the bottle.
BIDEN: Give it up. I don’t care if you drink a fruit smootie…just leave the “near beers” to the guys trying to pretend they’ve conquered their alcoholism.
GATES: You had the right idea choosing a Boston-brewed beer…now drink one that won’t make you feel like you’ve been sucking on a Brussels sprout. Harpoon IPA -- brewed in Boston, 5.9% abv, with a pine/melon-ish flavor and a malty finish.
CROWLEY: You like a good Belgian-style wheat beer…try Hoegaarden. Only 4.9% abv, but a nearly perfect wheat beer flavor, and a surprisingly smooth finish.
And I’ll leave you with David Letterman…and the “Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House Beer Summit“…have a great weekend:
Happy drinking!